You are my friend

I got my first friend when I was sixteen years old. I was talking to Helena after school, when I suddenly realised that we had become friends. I had always wanted a friend, so of course I was happy, but at the same time a little bit scared. Because what was I supposed to do now? I mean, what is it that you do, when you are friends with someone?

My mom moved away from home when I was twelve. She had always taken care of us, but now she said it was dad’s turn. But dad didn’t know how to do anything, except how to be drunk all the time, and he was never home, so no one took care of us. We had to try to get by as best we could, and sure, I guess we survived, but a part of me kind of disappeared then. And I have never been able to find that part of myself again.

I had so many questions, but no one to ask. So I read books, listened to music and
watched TV, all in an attempt to gather information. But it didn’t help, I couldn’t be like the others, and they would hang out after school while I went home and sat in front of the TV, trying to understand what I had done wrong.

I started developing strange habits. One summer, I baked an apple pie every day, and that was all I ate. I had read in some book that you could survive on that, and of course I believed it was true, because there was no one around to tell me it was crazy. This was when I was still young, but at some later point, I decided to stop talking and smiling.

I had read about asceticism and thought it would suit me, but it just turned into some sort of emotional asceticism, where I would never show anyone how I felt. When I met Helena in high school, I was quiet. I didn’t really talk for many years after that either. It wasn’t until I started hanging out with Jakob and Skägget, when I began getting high with them every day and it helped me relax, that I started talking.

One evening, I met some of Helena’s friends. They were animal rights activists, listened to hardcore, and looked exactly the way I had always wanted to look. I decided to become like them, and within a few months, I had dropped out of high school and completely changed my life. I was like a real person now, now that I had friends, and this was where my life began.

I guess I should regret the things I did after high school, but I don’t. I started stealing and did it every day for seven years, I lived off it. But I don’t regret it. When the police started contacting me regularly, and mom called me a thief and said I should be ashamed, I still didn’t regret it. Because I couldn’t do anything about the fact that I stole.

All my friends stole, it was like a part of our lifestyle. And to me, my new friends were everything I had, and I just wanted to be like them. Because my friends taught me everything that my parents hadn’t taught me. They taught me about tenderness, and they taught me how to listen to one another, how to be encouraging, they taught me about love. And we were always together, and we never gave up, and for once, there was joy in my life.

So when my friends stole, drank, and destroyed the property of our enemy, the adult world, because it was just a fucking slave industry anyway, what was I supposed to do? Not join in? Of course I did, and I threw myself into it full speed because I always had to be the worst. I destroyed, stole, and drank more than most, because I just wanted to be loved. I would have done anything for a little bit of love. Anything.

Through that animal rights thing, I met Erik, and he invited me to play in his grindcore band. I couldn’t play any instrument properly, but I had a synth, and I got to mess around a bit with it in the background, though it probably didn’t sound very good. I sang some of my old songs for Jakob who played guitar in the band, and he liked them. We started a new band, and I got to sing, and Jakob was the one who made me believe I could do something. That there was something beautiful in me. Now how do you thank someone for something like that? I mean, I was so broken and ugly, awful in every way. But he made me feel different. Like I was worth something.

And he kept believing in me, even though I didn’t believe in myself. I tried to push him away, and everyone else, too. Sometimes I hit Jakob and Skägget when I was drunk. They never hit back, because somehow they understood that I hit them because I was so scared. Of course they told me to stop, and I always felt really ashamed afterward. But they didn’t leave me, because they didn’t believe me when I tried to convince them what a worthless piece of shit I was. They held on to me, and they never let go.

I often watched football on TV with Jakob. We commented on the players’ performances on the field, but we also made up stories about what the players did together after the game, which ones were friends, and what they liked to do together.

As a child I thought a lot about what friendship is. Since I had no one to talk to about it, I mythologized it like a religion, and got tangled up in my theories, until it felt like I was going crazy. That’s why it was so liberating to watch football with Jakob. With him, I dared to test my thoughts on friendship. And I wasn’t crazy, or maybe I was, but it didn’t matter, because Jakob liked me, and that was the most important thing.

Seven years ago, I decided to move to Finland. Jakob was sad when I told him. It
surprised me, because I hadn’t thought anyone would miss me. Because deep down, I still can’t believe that anyone could love me. It’s like there’s something missing in me, something I think others have.

I don’t know if other people notice that I don’t function the way I’m supposed to. Maybe they do, and some might even find it attractive. Because I am so open with new people and can tell them everything, all my secrets. They must wonder about it. Just like it makes me wonder. Like, why did I do that again? Do I have to be like this? I’ve thought a lot about this, and I think I’m just trying to fill that emptiness inside me with my stories.

So that’s why I’m telling you about this, that this has happened. And I don’t understand it. And maybe you could understand it? And explain it to me?